I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
