I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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