I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
