This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize