life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
