My sheets look like a crime scene.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
