I must be too annoying 4 u.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
