Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
