They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
