I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You can't special order awesome
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
