I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
