i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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