Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
