My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
