i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
