Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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