i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
