God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
