I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Randomize