I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
