people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
