You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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