Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
