just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
