I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
