guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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