Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
