Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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