dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i wish my penis had a tongue
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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