i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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