The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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