her facebook's as public as her vagina
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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