Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
