Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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