Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
