My friends, they love my intelligence
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
