If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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