hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
