Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
