i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
