3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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