Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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