Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
