So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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