This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
