I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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