Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize