She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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