she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
