11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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