btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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