i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Girls should come with a carfax report
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize