someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
