He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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