The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
