Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
