It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
