you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
