You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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